An Open Letter To My Daughter...

I know this seems crazy since I am NO where close to even being married... but I've been compiling this list of life for some time.  All of the things I one day hope to share with a daughter of my own.  It goes a little something like this:

An Open Letter to my Daughter...

My beautiful, sweet girl... it is with a full heart that I say all of this.  I've made a lot of mistakes in this life I've lived but I already know the road that leads me to you will be worth it.  Every tear drop, every broken heart, every smile, every laugh, every clumsy fall.  I've been keeping an account of the things I want to tell you.  There's so much I've learned from life and about life that I want to share with you.  I sure hope I have all the days to spend with you but sometimes life doesn't work out the way we want it to.  I may work too many hours some times.  I may not be devoting enough attention to your achievements big and small some times.  I may be far away for a short time... or a long time.  I want you to know these things though, no matter what our time is like that we spend together.

Don't let every boy who calls you pretty steal your kisses or even worse your heart. Save special things for special people (and trust me, I've got plenty of specific things in mind).  If your dad tells you that a boy isn't good enough for you... he's not. He is a boy and he knows better than you do, this time you have to accept that.

Play the radio loud and literally dance like no one is watching.  Even though I'd prefer you don't... it's okay to break the rules sometimes.  It's okay to bend the rules, but you will always have to deal with the consequences eventually.  So before you decide where to bend and break them, weigh the consequence and make sure you're willing to go to bat for it.  Always be prepared to back up your beliefs... be willing to listen to others and only change your heart when you are sure it's something you believe.

Take time to feel sad, and then remember what its like to be happy, and make it happen.  Cherish EVERY minute you have with people.  Protect your family, love your family, encourage your family.  We are part of a team in this house.  This team always has your back.  I am always here to listen to you.  Know that no matter what... we will never stop loving you.  Cherish your family, but be open to those who God grants as your family... friends who will know you deeper than you know yourself in some ways.  Make lots of friends... in different groups.  Never stop making friends.  That is one life skill you will always need.  But tell your secrets to few.

Be sincere, and ignore the haters.  Be kind, even when it's hard.  Be honest, even when it doesn't make you look favorable.  Your character will speak more volume than your looks.  Be a person who does the right thing.  Never lose your ambition or motivation.

Know that before you came to this earth you were in your grandpa's arms.  He loves you, like he loves your mommy.  He wants to be here almost more than I do... and that hurts mommy's heart.  But know that I'll do everything in my power to make sure I'm here for you, and for your babies, and their babies.

Know that sometimes no matter how hard you try in this life to make something happen... it might just never happen.  That doesn't mean that you aren't trying or that you don't need to try.  Never give up... just try again later.  Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean it will never happen.

Make mistakes... I know this seems silly because I'm trying to teach you from my mistakes but you won't learn them if you don't experience them.  It's OK to do something wrong and it's OK to mess up.  But it is not okay to leave a mess.  It is single-handedly your responsibility to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, and to "clean up" after yourself.  You need to know what it's like to be sorry for something so that you can forgive others.  Remember that we are all still learning... even mom and dad.

Know that we serve a Father who loves us more than we could ever imagine.  Take that to heart and never forget it.  Honor your commitment to God over everything else.  When everything seems like it's going wrong and life gets hard... I mean really hard... know that it is everything that it is meant to be and thank God for where you are going.  I learned this in church and hopefully you will too... but if it's not good, then God's not done.

Know that when I'm gone, or when your dad is gone... I feel your broken heart.  When you have your first kiss, your first love, your first puppy, whatever it is that may steal your heart, you will also have your first heartbreak.  Whether you're 2, 22, or 52 ... it doesn't ever get easier.  And I'm so sorry about that.  I know that doesn't sound fun or worth it.  But it is.  It is always going to be better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  A lot of heart breaks led me to your dad and your dad led me to you, and you my darling will be one of the greatest accomplishments I'll ever have.

Love,
Mom

"How Are You?"

And there it is.  It's been one full week since we've been without my dad.

People keep telling me "how strong" I'm being... Let me try to give you an insight to why I may or may not be in this "strong" place.

So the night before my dad's passing, I said a prayer, like I always do for my dad. I joke with my boss that every night I pray for two people, her and my dad. Every night I pray for my dad to heal, usually to heal him of his disease, heal his relationships that are damaged, heal his heart, heal his relationship with God. This night, I asked God, please heal my dad from his sickness. Let it be Your will and You know the plan... But please keep him healthy for me. Then I said, but if your plan is not to heal him, help me understand. No lie. This was my prayer.  I put my trust in my God the next 24 hours about my future.

So I get the news. Tragedy has struck my family. Immediately, I'm heart broken. Just weeping. Like when Jesus heard about the death of Lazarus. He wept. It was a deep, frightening, weeping from my whole body. Over the next few hours I drew a lot of strength from seeing that my father's soul was released from this body that was no longer tolerating him and the trust I have in our God. The God who also is my father, He leant me this father for some time, He gifted me this man to teach me, show me, love me, respect me, believe in me, be disappointed in me.  And now, He called him home.

This life on this Earth is SO short. And, of course, God led me to hear Ken's message (and he knows I'm listening because I'm going to Bruno Mars) where he showed me the section of the rope that is this life I'm living now... Because we live so much longer in the eternal life with Jesus.

So I'm sad. I'm going to cry about it, when I want to, as long as I want to, where I want to. I won't feel ashamed. I also won't feel ashamed when I'm not sad... When I actually am fine. When I'm enjoying (not yet... But soon) the life that my Father... And my father...Gave to me. Because it's short. That is all there is to it. 

One of the things that has been making me cry the most is strangers... And let me explain. My dad was there, he was present in my life, and he loves me the best way he knows how. He loved others the best way he knew how. And people I don't know keep coming up to me and saying my dad "was a great guy", "was awesome", "welcoming", "funny", "loyal". Yes he was, and I'm so overjoyed that that person also got to experience him.

Then. There are some strangers who did not know him. They know my brother. My sister. My mother. Me... And they say he must have been an amazing man to have someone like you in his life. Also true... We were molded by each other.  Recently I bought a shirt that is perfect for me... "I've got my daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes my mouth could use a filter, God shook his head the day he built me, oh but I bet he smiled."  And I bet he did. Because He said here's this man that you are made in the image of and you are going to serve on for him after his time is up. And God probably laughed... Because I like to think he has a sense of humor... As I grew up cursing all these things about my father that I resented. He's so stubborn, he knows it all, he's always right, he expects so much of other people... Does that sound familiar to anyone? :-)  And then I loved him... He's so generous, he's so giving, he loves so deeply and passionately, he's so useful, he's so brave and strong, he's so great. Hopefully that also sounds familiar... Because thats what God created me from and to be.

He also taught me how to deal with me essentially. How to be well rounded and know what it's like to have a relationship with me.  He made my dad perfect for me. And he took him to say live on child, and be good.  Not only do I have my grandma watching now but I also have him looking down. With big expectations...

One Word

It's the New Year... Resolution time (...continued)


I don't know if it's the time of year or it's just another coincidence.  I think sometimes the year feels very heavy.  I don't realize it but I get weighed down a lot by the past or what has happened... usually just within the year unless it was a particularly major event. But, the year has changed now. It's new, it's fresh.

However.  I also spent the last 48 hours of my life with almost every single person I love... and that loves me deeply.

First and foremost.  C and P graced us with their presence.

Palmer Ellen Harring made her debut at 2:36 PM on December 31st, 2013. At a whopping 5 lbs and 12 ounces this tiny peanut (as my first niece) as stolen my heart.  Followed shortly thereafter at 2:38 PM by her brother Connor Davidson weighing in at 7 lbs and 11 ounces. He's a big sweet boy and I didn't know it was possibly to spread so much love among three little boys now rounding off the group of nephews.  They are pure love and innocence, I can't stop gushing as a proud Auntie and can't wait to hold them again.

Additionally, "we went out last night".  I loved all of the time I got to spend with my very best friends (missing those few) ringing in the new year.  I couldn't have imagined a more fun night with all of my friends saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello 2014.

"Talk about young. Talk about fun.  Craziest thing we've ever done. Talk about kids being caught up in this rush."

Spending time with people who deeply care about me, and love me, and who are interested in me always sparks this feeling and these emotions in me.  I need to remember to do this more often.  It's so refreshing and it gets you out of being bogged down by your day to day. I have the most loving friends and family. I adore them.  If you can do anything for someone, love them.  Love them to the core, deeply, unconditionally. Love them for who they are. Who they want to be. For their dreams, their hopes, their fears. Just love them. "L'amore domina senza regole" ("Love rules without rules") is permanently on my hip because I will always believe that love will prevail.  Love rules. And it's the only thing that rules without definite rules... without regulations and restrictions.  Love is free. And it's open. And it has choices. And you can give to whoever you want. As much as you want for as long as you want. 

Sometimes I try to outgrow this life.  Sometimes that's okay.  Sometimes I forgot that I'm twenty something. And that's what you do when you're twenty something.  That's the age.  It's growing.  Sometimes I look at how far I've come and forget how far I have to go... in love, life, maturity, spiritual growth.  It's going to be a journey... and I CAN wait to get there.  I can take it slow. I can enjoy the ride and love it deeply. This is the only journey I'm going to get.

That was the topic of discussion at church on Sunday and I passively listened and "once-over"ed and wanted to be engaged in the topic but didn't feel related to it.  I thought, I'm not NOT enjoying my life, my journey. I'm constantly assessing it and looking it over and trying to take a new perspective.  But, maybe I'm not.  Maybe I'm taking new perspective that are similar perspectives.  So now I'm understanding more.

This year I'm giving myself permission.  Permission to make mistakes. To do whatever I want.  To experience. To grow. To develop. To think. To cry. To love. To care too much.  To care too little. To travel. To make mistakes... if you know me at all. You know I'm kind of a perfectionist. I hate doing something if I don't know that I will do it 100% right. I HATE making mistakes. I always feel embarrassed and ashamed. So that's my goal, not be afraid of making mistakes.

However... my one word THIS year (because I hope this works so well that I do it foreverrr) is

My overall goal this year is to SHED the things that are unnecessary in my life.

1. Weight
2. Baggage
3. Drama
4. "Stuff" Just things...
5. Negativity

I was thinking about what word I wanted to have this year and was really just thinking about the things that are making me unhappy or less happy.  I want to live a fulfilled life and thinking of "shedding" all this extra stuff I didn't need brought me a lot of hope and happiness. The word more or less chose me.

So. I hope you enjoyed this post, if not, oh well :) Thanks for trying it out anyways!

I do encourage you to think of one word you can commit to this year.  365 days of living through one word. And submerge yourself in that word.  Stay tuned for my submission of Shed :) It's about to get real.

Your Weight Problem (Mine Too.)

It is, of course, the brink of the new year.  Which means that gym memberships are basically free! Because if you sign a 14 year contract at $1.99 a month, which you need because it's important to stay focused, then you will be skinny.  Forget the fact that by February 16th the gym will be back to its regular go-ers and you are locked in paying $2 a month for the next 14 years because you "will go back" just not today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day because you have to feed your cat and then you have a prescheduled nap. And you also should really stare at the mess in your house for at least 4 hours before you decide to take another nap. You just can't make time that day. But maybe the day after that. Definitely the day after that.

Okay, but seriously. I've recently passed the 2 year mark on my journey to a healthier (hotter) me.  I was down to 50 lbs lost... which was a GREAT place to be after 1.5 years of working towards this... and approxiamately 6 months of dilligent and focused weight loss.  Then I got lazy. Or I fell in love. Which made me lazy. Either way. I got comfortable... in my old ways and habits again.  I tasted a french fry after a 9 month french fry rehab and fell back in love with something new.  So yet AGAIN. I am focused.  I am not down 50 lbs anymore. And I'm not happy about it. I didn't "gain it all back" like people always tell you you will when you try to better your health and life.

So here I am. It seems like I'm criticizing you (and me) for starting this plea yet again on January 1st.  First of all, I started it yesterday... which was the 27th of December (So ha!) Second of all, it just HAPPENS to be that that's when I hit my very upset place and refuse to get any fatter.  I am terribly upset with the way my clothes fit and look and even worse what I see when I'm not wearing the clothes (that shrunk... because it's the clothes fault. And my laundry detergent. And my washing machine. And probably my closet's fault for being too humid and causing the clothes to shrink)  And again, back to reality.  It's my fault... for thinking it's fine to eat french fries... in large capacity whenever I want.  Third of all, I am "dieting" as they call it.  I've read so many books, magazines, etc. etc. on how to lose weight, how to diet, super foods, belly busting foods, blah blah blah if you get my point.  I'm reading... ANOTHER book ;-)  I like this book.  It's Dolvett Quince's (from the Biggest Loser) The 3-1-2-1 Diet. Basically the concept is 3 days of "clean eating" followed by 1 "cheat day" then 2 days of "clean eating" and 1 "cheat day" and repeat.  Before you get too excited... the cheat day has cheating and portion restrictions.  I'm not going to go into detail about the plan... I just like it.  The fitness guru boyfriend says no, but I haven't listened to him in a year and a half so why start now ;-) I got my book from the library... so #noexcuses.

To wrap that all up.  STOP dieting.  You heard me. Now you're confused.  Adopt a healthy lifestyle. Eating consciously. Exercising. Sleeping enough. Drinking heavily, water that is. Reading.  Those are all the things that are part of my new diet.  I've got a tip for you.  1200 calories (or less) is never okay.  Caloric intake is the biggest discussion among people who want to lose weight. Okay... Pickles are like 5 calories for 4 pickles...  So all day you can eat 960 pickles and meet 1200 calories... Don't mind the fact that a) you will be starving from lack of substance and b) you will die the next day from sodium intake.  Similar to an all celery "diet".  Stop the madness.  Stop what I call "fad dieting" and starting changing your diet! See how the same word reflects just as evenly.  I did it... it works. I know it does.  But NEVER stop.  One french fry is NOT okay. It's just not.  For many of us, eating is a disease.  Like anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism, drug abuse... all diseases. A lack of impulse control.  As my boyfriend repeatedly states my problem is that I "can't control my emotions and when something goes a little wrong I use it as an excuse to eat like crap and whine about it." Yeah, he's full of fun advice.  BUT... never will I admit to him that he of course is right and he knows this because he was my personal trainer and knows my terrible emotional conflicts inside and out. Partly because he is half of them.

Which leads me to my next soap box.  You can look however you want... trust me, I don't care.  You should not buckle to the pressure of society, you should not be a size 00, you SHOULD be healthy. It's better for your body, it's better for your mind, it's better for your life span.  Overeating is a disease. It's controlled by your emotions.  I LOVE the Biggest Loser. And I LOVE watching the trainers break down the emotional walls of all these people because I've totally been there.  You realize that you have been self deprecating and have been in control the whole time and you chose to be out of control.  The way you eat is directly related to your emotions, your stress level, etc. You HAVE to make smart choices all the time.  Being healthy is kind of like having another job.  Like almost everything in your life, it will require hardwork. Like your relationships, your marriage, raising your kids, your actual job, etc.  A healthy lifestyle requires hard work and commitment.  I adopted a slogan a while back "the gym is my boyfriend" which kind of correlates.  My healthy lifestyle is my boyfriend... because if I cheat on it or if I don't commit to it, if I stray away from it... in a REAL boyfriend girlfriend relationship... my ass would be to the curb, unless we had some weird open relationship. But assuming I don't.



Take yourself seriously this year.  Make small goals, see small victories, and see those small victories eventually turn into big victories.

Don't EVER let anyone else make you feel defeated or worthless or like you can't do it... like you're on another one of "those diets"... it is HARD. And you will slip up. You will. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT beat yourself up over ONE french fry (or a whole Large fry...) or a piece (bag) of chocolate or whatever your weakness is.  Just try harder next time to not overindulge. And maybe work out an extra 10 minutes.  But do NOT give up. Start over at the NEXT meal, immediately.

Would you rather look back at the time and think "I could have lost 25 lbs by now and gained so much muscle" or "I'm really glad I watched that TV show instead of going to the gym."


So. That's my advice. I'll keep you posted on how this is going for me. Keep me posted on what you do or decide.  I believe in you.  And if you stop believing in you... come to me.  I'll pick you back up.  Don't let someone who doesn't know what you're capable of ever doubt you.