Just A Teacher

So I've been struggling with a couple concepts or thoughts since I've been teaching and going back to school. This rant may go one of two ways so stay tuned. :)

First off, in 14 days will mark my second full year completed teaching preschool.  There are very few things that I love more than teaching.  Maybe working in hospitality and sales and retail, etc. has prepared me for the drama, politics, etc of teaching... Mostly administrative drama and politics. I had a person actually say to me this week, "wow, working with kids must be great and it's not stressful like other jobs, that must be really nice."  

I had to literally filter the first 128 thoughts that almost came out of my mouth. I simply said, "actually I've worked in a lot of industries including finance and sales and this is by far the most stressful job I've ever had."  That being said I LOVE my job and I LOVE my kids... Most days I even love my boss and my coworkers... There is no way that I would be killing myself working full time and going through this graduate program packing on the student loans if I did not 100% believe that I was created by the hand of God to teach children. I hear stories all the time about mission work and how powerful that experience is... And I would love the opportunity but that is not what I was born and put on this earth to do. I was sent here to teach.

Enter rant 2.  This summer I had the horrible experience of attempting to take Calculus 2. For starters, this man I'm sure is a solid person, probably funny, and maybe nice.  He was a horrible teacher. He is VERY smart... But that's the challenge with teaching, you can't just be smart.  When I signed up for this job... Well to be honest I had no clue what I was getting into. When I committed myself to this career, I reached a whole new level of understanding.  I made a commitment to every child that walks thru my classroom door and who will walk thru it in the future to teach them.  That doesn't mean to talk at them and explain a concept and repeat it over and over until they memorize it.  That means I decided by choice to learn everything about how this child learns... And I challenge myself to change my teaching until this child understands.  

Each person is so unique, BIG or small, which means that there is no one way that I will ever find that will teach every child the same thing.  But I made a commitment to these children that I will figure out exactly what is going to make it click for them.  I also committed to empowering each child to take their learning in their own hands because they are capable individuals.  Some teachers have made me feel so helpless about understanding something... And that is heartbreaking. I never want to make a child feel that way.  It is my job to make them understand... Truly understand.  It is a challenge... But that feeling you get when a child lights up because they understand and they are proud of him or her self... It's irreplaceable. And that is why I teach.

Thank you God for this burning passion in my heart.

"How Are You?"

And there it is.  It's been one full week since we've been without my dad.

People keep telling me "how strong" I'm being... Let me try to give you an insight to why I may or may not be in this "strong" place.

So the night before my dad's passing, I said a prayer, like I always do for my dad. I joke with my boss that every night I pray for two people, her and my dad. Every night I pray for my dad to heal, usually to heal him of his disease, heal his relationships that are damaged, heal his heart, heal his relationship with God. This night, I asked God, please heal my dad from his sickness. Let it be Your will and You know the plan... But please keep him healthy for me. Then I said, but if your plan is not to heal him, help me understand. No lie. This was my prayer.  I put my trust in my God the next 24 hours about my future.

So I get the news. Tragedy has struck my family. Immediately, I'm heart broken. Just weeping. Like when Jesus heard about the death of Lazarus. He wept. It was a deep, frightening, weeping from my whole body. Over the next few hours I drew a lot of strength from seeing that my father's soul was released from this body that was no longer tolerating him and the trust I have in our God. The God who also is my father, He leant me this father for some time, He gifted me this man to teach me, show me, love me, respect me, believe in me, be disappointed in me.  And now, He called him home.

This life on this Earth is SO short. And, of course, God led me to hear Ken's message (and he knows I'm listening because I'm going to Bruno Mars) where he showed me the section of the rope that is this life I'm living now... Because we live so much longer in the eternal life with Jesus.

So I'm sad. I'm going to cry about it, when I want to, as long as I want to, where I want to. I won't feel ashamed. I also won't feel ashamed when I'm not sad... When I actually am fine. When I'm enjoying (not yet... But soon) the life that my Father... And my father...Gave to me. Because it's short. That is all there is to it. 

One of the things that has been making me cry the most is strangers... And let me explain. My dad was there, he was present in my life, and he loves me the best way he knows how. He loved others the best way he knew how. And people I don't know keep coming up to me and saying my dad "was a great guy", "was awesome", "welcoming", "funny", "loyal". Yes he was, and I'm so overjoyed that that person also got to experience him.

Then. There are some strangers who did not know him. They know my brother. My sister. My mother. Me... And they say he must have been an amazing man to have someone like you in his life. Also true... We were molded by each other.  Recently I bought a shirt that is perfect for me... "I've got my daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes my mouth could use a filter, God shook his head the day he built me, oh but I bet he smiled."  And I bet he did. Because He said here's this man that you are made in the image of and you are going to serve on for him after his time is up. And God probably laughed... Because I like to think he has a sense of humor... As I grew up cursing all these things about my father that I resented. He's so stubborn, he knows it all, he's always right, he expects so much of other people... Does that sound familiar to anyone? :-)  And then I loved him... He's so generous, he's so giving, he loves so deeply and passionately, he's so useful, he's so brave and strong, he's so great. Hopefully that also sounds familiar... Because thats what God created me from and to be.

He also taught me how to deal with me essentially. How to be well rounded and know what it's like to have a relationship with me.  He made my dad perfect for me. And he took him to say live on child, and be good.  Not only do I have my grandma watching now but I also have him looking down. With big expectations...

Every Time I Breathe I Get A Little Bit Closer...

One of my most favorite sayings is this:

 

I would always find myself getting angry and hurt by the actions of other people. And I would react, strongly.  I would decide what things I was going to do or not going to do because of how they treated me in that instance.  There are so many instances I can think of off the top of my head. People I can think of who I am angry with, who I haven't forgiven for how they have hurt me or made me feel.  I can think about things I don't do to try to return the feeling and punish them for hurting me.  They're things that mostly end up hurting me more and don't effect the intended person at all.  All week I have been struggling with this.  I was seeking counseling from my peers about it, I was praying to God, asking him to show me the way, show me the answer, how I should be behaving, how I should start healing. I asked him to help my relationships, help the people I love to see how they have hurt me and make them correct their actions and seek my forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

Isn't that something.  Forgiveness. Forgiveness was never about my interaction with them.  It was about my interaction with myself.  It was about handing it over to God and asking him to help me heal my heart where I was hurt and for him to justify the wrong.  God will handle the punishments and the judgements.  I am not in charge of that.  I have no business considering that or trying to justify that.  Who am I to decide which punishment fits which crime?  What if the person committing the crime is praying for forgiveness while I am planning a punishment... then I'm the one not trusting my God.

That was one of the verses from church today. And it was a HUGE wake up call for me.  WHAT am I thinking?  Do I not sin? Do I not ask my Father daily for forgiveness? And does he forgive me? Yes. Every time.  Is he hurt when I sin against him? Yes. I literally never tied those two things together...  

Forgiveness is about healing your heart.  I have been feeling weighed down by my anger and my sadness.  It was so heavy and my heart felt heavy. I felt like things were just going wrong.  Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it doesn't mean that I move on like nothing happened... but it does mean I move on. Healing means that I'm no longer letting the damage control my life.

I very rarely have a hard time forgiving myself... unless I do something very embarrassing or hurtful.  I can usually take the steps to remedy the situation with myself or with the affected person.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes I can only ask for forgiveness from God and have to choose to move past it without a resolution.  Why is it that I hold my loved ones to such a higher regard?  I try hard to not put them in the situation of needing to forgive me but I KNOW I am not perfect. Not close.  And I do put them in those situations and I hope for forgiveness.  I love them so much, and part of loving someone is forgiving them for their faults. Just as I expect and hope that they forgive me for my faults.  Because we are not perfect.

Talking about "faith" with a friend, she mentioned it's "the game".  And being funny I said "yeah sometimes I forget the rules".  And you know, that's what it is.  I'm learning so much on this journey and I'm trying to remember all of the things I'm learning every day about God and his love and how he wants me to live this life and the pathway to Heaven.  It doesn't mean it's easy. And I'm still not perfect. I really want to remember this about forgiveness.  I kept asking God this week to show me how to forgive people and to heal my heart and he gave me just that today.

This is where the healing begins. :)

You See The Depths of My Heart and You Love Me The Same

So I've been intending to write for many many weeks now and have been saddened by the busyness that has kept me from it.  Not that the things I was doing weren't making me happy, but I love writing and it keeps my mind so healthy.

Today, and this week, has been a bit of an emotional one.  I had what I would consider a little bit of a "rough" week.  I came across a couple difficult decisions and a few difficult situations where I felt very challenged to really evaluate what I am doing and who is involved in what I am doing.  Hopefully many of you are aware of this spiritual journey I have been on... which has been a tremendous and beautiful journey.  I am so thankful to God for bringing me to the exact right people to bring me along this journey and for bringing my mom with me.

This is exactly why reflection is such an important part of spiritual growth. I really like to sit down and take the time to evaluate what God is doing with my life. My mom has always been my number one support system and it was difficult to start this journey on my own.  So I am ultimately ecstatic that when I invited her to this church I call home that she welcomed the opportunity with open arms. At first to be supportive of me, because she's that great, but now because she is also welcoming this journey in her life.  I can't imagine having to keep those two things separate.

I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have the people in my life that I have.  I have made a lot of amazing, inspirational, and strong friends at church.  I can't wait to see where this leads!

One Word

It's the New Year... Resolution time (...continued)


I don't know if it's the time of year or it's just another coincidence.  I think sometimes the year feels very heavy.  I don't realize it but I get weighed down a lot by the past or what has happened... usually just within the year unless it was a particularly major event. But, the year has changed now. It's new, it's fresh.

However.  I also spent the last 48 hours of my life with almost every single person I love... and that loves me deeply.

First and foremost.  C and P graced us with their presence.

Palmer Ellen Harring made her debut at 2:36 PM on December 31st, 2013. At a whopping 5 lbs and 12 ounces this tiny peanut (as my first niece) as stolen my heart.  Followed shortly thereafter at 2:38 PM by her brother Connor Davidson weighing in at 7 lbs and 11 ounces. He's a big sweet boy and I didn't know it was possibly to spread so much love among three little boys now rounding off the group of nephews.  They are pure love and innocence, I can't stop gushing as a proud Auntie and can't wait to hold them again.

Additionally, "we went out last night".  I loved all of the time I got to spend with my very best friends (missing those few) ringing in the new year.  I couldn't have imagined a more fun night with all of my friends saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello 2014.

"Talk about young. Talk about fun.  Craziest thing we've ever done. Talk about kids being caught up in this rush."

Spending time with people who deeply care about me, and love me, and who are interested in me always sparks this feeling and these emotions in me.  I need to remember to do this more often.  It's so refreshing and it gets you out of being bogged down by your day to day. I have the most loving friends and family. I adore them.  If you can do anything for someone, love them.  Love them to the core, deeply, unconditionally. Love them for who they are. Who they want to be. For their dreams, their hopes, their fears. Just love them. "L'amore domina senza regole" ("Love rules without rules") is permanently on my hip because I will always believe that love will prevail.  Love rules. And it's the only thing that rules without definite rules... without regulations and restrictions.  Love is free. And it's open. And it has choices. And you can give to whoever you want. As much as you want for as long as you want. 

Sometimes I try to outgrow this life.  Sometimes that's okay.  Sometimes I forgot that I'm twenty something. And that's what you do when you're twenty something.  That's the age.  It's growing.  Sometimes I look at how far I've come and forget how far I have to go... in love, life, maturity, spiritual growth.  It's going to be a journey... and I CAN wait to get there.  I can take it slow. I can enjoy the ride and love it deeply. This is the only journey I'm going to get.

That was the topic of discussion at church on Sunday and I passively listened and "once-over"ed and wanted to be engaged in the topic but didn't feel related to it.  I thought, I'm not NOT enjoying my life, my journey. I'm constantly assessing it and looking it over and trying to take a new perspective.  But, maybe I'm not.  Maybe I'm taking new perspective that are similar perspectives.  So now I'm understanding more.

This year I'm giving myself permission.  Permission to make mistakes. To do whatever I want.  To experience. To grow. To develop. To think. To cry. To love. To care too much.  To care too little. To travel. To make mistakes... if you know me at all. You know I'm kind of a perfectionist. I hate doing something if I don't know that I will do it 100% right. I HATE making mistakes. I always feel embarrassed and ashamed. So that's my goal, not be afraid of making mistakes.

However... my one word THIS year (because I hope this works so well that I do it foreverrr) is

My overall goal this year is to SHED the things that are unnecessary in my life.

1. Weight
2. Baggage
3. Drama
4. "Stuff" Just things...
5. Negativity

I was thinking about what word I wanted to have this year and was really just thinking about the things that are making me unhappy or less happy.  I want to live a fulfilled life and thinking of "shedding" all this extra stuff I didn't need brought me a lot of hope and happiness. The word more or less chose me.

So. I hope you enjoyed this post, if not, oh well :) Thanks for trying it out anyways!

I do encourage you to think of one word you can commit to this year.  365 days of living through one word. And submerge yourself in that word.  Stay tuned for my submission of Shed :) It's about to get real.