An Open Letter To My Daughter...

I know this seems crazy since I am NO where close to even being married... but I've been compiling this list of life for some time.  All of the things I one day hope to share with a daughter of my own.  It goes a little something like this:

An Open Letter to my Daughter...

My beautiful, sweet girl... it is with a full heart that I say all of this.  I've made a lot of mistakes in this life I've lived but I already know the road that leads me to you will be worth it.  Every tear drop, every broken heart, every smile, every laugh, every clumsy fall.  I've been keeping an account of the things I want to tell you.  There's so much I've learned from life and about life that I want to share with you.  I sure hope I have all the days to spend with you but sometimes life doesn't work out the way we want it to.  I may work too many hours some times.  I may not be devoting enough attention to your achievements big and small some times.  I may be far away for a short time... or a long time.  I want you to know these things though, no matter what our time is like that we spend together.

Don't let every boy who calls you pretty steal your kisses or even worse your heart. Save special things for special people (and trust me, I've got plenty of specific things in mind).  If your dad tells you that a boy isn't good enough for you... he's not. He is a boy and he knows better than you do, this time you have to accept that.

Play the radio loud and literally dance like no one is watching.  Even though I'd prefer you don't... it's okay to break the rules sometimes.  It's okay to bend the rules, but you will always have to deal with the consequences eventually.  So before you decide where to bend and break them, weigh the consequence and make sure you're willing to go to bat for it.  Always be prepared to back up your beliefs... be willing to listen to others and only change your heart when you are sure it's something you believe.

Take time to feel sad, and then remember what its like to be happy, and make it happen.  Cherish EVERY minute you have with people.  Protect your family, love your family, encourage your family.  We are part of a team in this house.  This team always has your back.  I am always here to listen to you.  Know that no matter what... we will never stop loving you.  Cherish your family, but be open to those who God grants as your family... friends who will know you deeper than you know yourself in some ways.  Make lots of friends... in different groups.  Never stop making friends.  That is one life skill you will always need.  But tell your secrets to few.

Be sincere, and ignore the haters.  Be kind, even when it's hard.  Be honest, even when it doesn't make you look favorable.  Your character will speak more volume than your looks.  Be a person who does the right thing.  Never lose your ambition or motivation.

Know that before you came to this earth you were in your grandpa's arms.  He loves you, like he loves your mommy.  He wants to be here almost more than I do... and that hurts mommy's heart.  But know that I'll do everything in my power to make sure I'm here for you, and for your babies, and their babies.

Know that sometimes no matter how hard you try in this life to make something happen... it might just never happen.  That doesn't mean that you aren't trying or that you don't need to try.  Never give up... just try again later.  Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean it will never happen.

Make mistakes... I know this seems silly because I'm trying to teach you from my mistakes but you won't learn them if you don't experience them.  It's OK to do something wrong and it's OK to mess up.  But it is not okay to leave a mess.  It is single-handedly your responsibility to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, and to "clean up" after yourself.  You need to know what it's like to be sorry for something so that you can forgive others.  Remember that we are all still learning... even mom and dad.

Know that we serve a Father who loves us more than we could ever imagine.  Take that to heart and never forget it.  Honor your commitment to God over everything else.  When everything seems like it's going wrong and life gets hard... I mean really hard... know that it is everything that it is meant to be and thank God for where you are going.  I learned this in church and hopefully you will too... but if it's not good, then God's not done.

Know that when I'm gone, or when your dad is gone... I feel your broken heart.  When you have your first kiss, your first love, your first puppy, whatever it is that may steal your heart, you will also have your first heartbreak.  Whether you're 2, 22, or 52 ... it doesn't ever get easier.  And I'm so sorry about that.  I know that doesn't sound fun or worth it.  But it is.  It is always going to be better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  A lot of heart breaks led me to your dad and your dad led me to you, and you my darling will be one of the greatest accomplishments I'll ever have.

Love,
Mom

"How Are You?"

And there it is.  It's been one full week since we've been without my dad.

People keep telling me "how strong" I'm being... Let me try to give you an insight to why I may or may not be in this "strong" place.

So the night before my dad's passing, I said a prayer, like I always do for my dad. I joke with my boss that every night I pray for two people, her and my dad. Every night I pray for my dad to heal, usually to heal him of his disease, heal his relationships that are damaged, heal his heart, heal his relationship with God. This night, I asked God, please heal my dad from his sickness. Let it be Your will and You know the plan... But please keep him healthy for me. Then I said, but if your plan is not to heal him, help me understand. No lie. This was my prayer.  I put my trust in my God the next 24 hours about my future.

So I get the news. Tragedy has struck my family. Immediately, I'm heart broken. Just weeping. Like when Jesus heard about the death of Lazarus. He wept. It was a deep, frightening, weeping from my whole body. Over the next few hours I drew a lot of strength from seeing that my father's soul was released from this body that was no longer tolerating him and the trust I have in our God. The God who also is my father, He leant me this father for some time, He gifted me this man to teach me, show me, love me, respect me, believe in me, be disappointed in me.  And now, He called him home.

This life on this Earth is SO short. And, of course, God led me to hear Ken's message (and he knows I'm listening because I'm going to Bruno Mars) where he showed me the section of the rope that is this life I'm living now... Because we live so much longer in the eternal life with Jesus.

So I'm sad. I'm going to cry about it, when I want to, as long as I want to, where I want to. I won't feel ashamed. I also won't feel ashamed when I'm not sad... When I actually am fine. When I'm enjoying (not yet... But soon) the life that my Father... And my father...Gave to me. Because it's short. That is all there is to it. 

One of the things that has been making me cry the most is strangers... And let me explain. My dad was there, he was present in my life, and he loves me the best way he knows how. He loved others the best way he knew how. And people I don't know keep coming up to me and saying my dad "was a great guy", "was awesome", "welcoming", "funny", "loyal". Yes he was, and I'm so overjoyed that that person also got to experience him.

Then. There are some strangers who did not know him. They know my brother. My sister. My mother. Me... And they say he must have been an amazing man to have someone like you in his life. Also true... We were molded by each other.  Recently I bought a shirt that is perfect for me... "I've got my daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes my mouth could use a filter, God shook his head the day he built me, oh but I bet he smiled."  And I bet he did. Because He said here's this man that you are made in the image of and you are going to serve on for him after his time is up. And God probably laughed... Because I like to think he has a sense of humor... As I grew up cursing all these things about my father that I resented. He's so stubborn, he knows it all, he's always right, he expects so much of other people... Does that sound familiar to anyone? :-)  And then I loved him... He's so generous, he's so giving, he loves so deeply and passionately, he's so useful, he's so brave and strong, he's so great. Hopefully that also sounds familiar... Because thats what God created me from and to be.

He also taught me how to deal with me essentially. How to be well rounded and know what it's like to have a relationship with me.  He made my dad perfect for me. And he took him to say live on child, and be good.  Not only do I have my grandma watching now but I also have him looking down. With big expectations...

Every Time I Breathe I Get A Little Bit Closer...

One of my most favorite sayings is this:

 

I would always find myself getting angry and hurt by the actions of other people. And I would react, strongly.  I would decide what things I was going to do or not going to do because of how they treated me in that instance.  There are so many instances I can think of off the top of my head. People I can think of who I am angry with, who I haven't forgiven for how they have hurt me or made me feel.  I can think about things I don't do to try to return the feeling and punish them for hurting me.  They're things that mostly end up hurting me more and don't effect the intended person at all.  All week I have been struggling with this.  I was seeking counseling from my peers about it, I was praying to God, asking him to show me the way, show me the answer, how I should be behaving, how I should start healing. I asked him to help my relationships, help the people I love to see how they have hurt me and make them correct their actions and seek my forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

Isn't that something.  Forgiveness. Forgiveness was never about my interaction with them.  It was about my interaction with myself.  It was about handing it over to God and asking him to help me heal my heart where I was hurt and for him to justify the wrong.  God will handle the punishments and the judgements.  I am not in charge of that.  I have no business considering that or trying to justify that.  Who am I to decide which punishment fits which crime?  What if the person committing the crime is praying for forgiveness while I am planning a punishment... then I'm the one not trusting my God.

That was one of the verses from church today. And it was a HUGE wake up call for me.  WHAT am I thinking?  Do I not sin? Do I not ask my Father daily for forgiveness? And does he forgive me? Yes. Every time.  Is he hurt when I sin against him? Yes. I literally never tied those two things together...  

Forgiveness is about healing your heart.  I have been feeling weighed down by my anger and my sadness.  It was so heavy and my heart felt heavy. I felt like things were just going wrong.  Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it doesn't mean that I move on like nothing happened... but it does mean I move on. Healing means that I'm no longer letting the damage control my life.

I very rarely have a hard time forgiving myself... unless I do something very embarrassing or hurtful.  I can usually take the steps to remedy the situation with myself or with the affected person.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes I can only ask for forgiveness from God and have to choose to move past it without a resolution.  Why is it that I hold my loved ones to such a higher regard?  I try hard to not put them in the situation of needing to forgive me but I KNOW I am not perfect. Not close.  And I do put them in those situations and I hope for forgiveness.  I love them so much, and part of loving someone is forgiving them for their faults. Just as I expect and hope that they forgive me for my faults.  Because we are not perfect.

Talking about "faith" with a friend, she mentioned it's "the game".  And being funny I said "yeah sometimes I forget the rules".  And you know, that's what it is.  I'm learning so much on this journey and I'm trying to remember all of the things I'm learning every day about God and his love and how he wants me to live this life and the pathway to Heaven.  It doesn't mean it's easy. And I'm still not perfect. I really want to remember this about forgiveness.  I kept asking God this week to show me how to forgive people and to heal my heart and he gave me just that today.

This is where the healing begins. :)