"How Are You?"

And there it is.  It's been one full week since we've been without my dad.

People keep telling me "how strong" I'm being... Let me try to give you an insight to why I may or may not be in this "strong" place.

So the night before my dad's passing, I said a prayer, like I always do for my dad. I joke with my boss that every night I pray for two people, her and my dad. Every night I pray for my dad to heal, usually to heal him of his disease, heal his relationships that are damaged, heal his heart, heal his relationship with God. This night, I asked God, please heal my dad from his sickness. Let it be Your will and You know the plan... But please keep him healthy for me. Then I said, but if your plan is not to heal him, help me understand. No lie. This was my prayer.  I put my trust in my God the next 24 hours about my future.

So I get the news. Tragedy has struck my family. Immediately, I'm heart broken. Just weeping. Like when Jesus heard about the death of Lazarus. He wept. It was a deep, frightening, weeping from my whole body. Over the next few hours I drew a lot of strength from seeing that my father's soul was released from this body that was no longer tolerating him and the trust I have in our God. The God who also is my father, He leant me this father for some time, He gifted me this man to teach me, show me, love me, respect me, believe in me, be disappointed in me.  And now, He called him home.

This life on this Earth is SO short. And, of course, God led me to hear Ken's message (and he knows I'm listening because I'm going to Bruno Mars) where he showed me the section of the rope that is this life I'm living now... Because we live so much longer in the eternal life with Jesus.

So I'm sad. I'm going to cry about it, when I want to, as long as I want to, where I want to. I won't feel ashamed. I also won't feel ashamed when I'm not sad... When I actually am fine. When I'm enjoying (not yet... But soon) the life that my Father... And my father...Gave to me. Because it's short. That is all there is to it. 

One of the things that has been making me cry the most is strangers... And let me explain. My dad was there, he was present in my life, and he loves me the best way he knows how. He loved others the best way he knew how. And people I don't know keep coming up to me and saying my dad "was a great guy", "was awesome", "welcoming", "funny", "loyal". Yes he was, and I'm so overjoyed that that person also got to experience him.

Then. There are some strangers who did not know him. They know my brother. My sister. My mother. Me... And they say he must have been an amazing man to have someone like you in his life. Also true... We were molded by each other.  Recently I bought a shirt that is perfect for me... "I've got my daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes my mouth could use a filter, God shook his head the day he built me, oh but I bet he smiled."  And I bet he did. Because He said here's this man that you are made in the image of and you are going to serve on for him after his time is up. And God probably laughed... Because I like to think he has a sense of humor... As I grew up cursing all these things about my father that I resented. He's so stubborn, he knows it all, he's always right, he expects so much of other people... Does that sound familiar to anyone? :-)  And then I loved him... He's so generous, he's so giving, he loves so deeply and passionately, he's so useful, he's so brave and strong, he's so great. Hopefully that also sounds familiar... Because thats what God created me from and to be.

He also taught me how to deal with me essentially. How to be well rounded and know what it's like to have a relationship with me.  He made my dad perfect for me. And he took him to say live on child, and be good.  Not only do I have my grandma watching now but I also have him looking down. With big expectations...