"How Are You?"

And there it is.  It's been one full week since we've been without my dad.

People keep telling me "how strong" I'm being... Let me try to give you an insight to why I may or may not be in this "strong" place.

So the night before my dad's passing, I said a prayer, like I always do for my dad. I joke with my boss that every night I pray for two people, her and my dad. Every night I pray for my dad to heal, usually to heal him of his disease, heal his relationships that are damaged, heal his heart, heal his relationship with God. This night, I asked God, please heal my dad from his sickness. Let it be Your will and You know the plan... But please keep him healthy for me. Then I said, but if your plan is not to heal him, help me understand. No lie. This was my prayer.  I put my trust in my God the next 24 hours about my future.

So I get the news. Tragedy has struck my family. Immediately, I'm heart broken. Just weeping. Like when Jesus heard about the death of Lazarus. He wept. It was a deep, frightening, weeping from my whole body. Over the next few hours I drew a lot of strength from seeing that my father's soul was released from this body that was no longer tolerating him and the trust I have in our God. The God who also is my father, He leant me this father for some time, He gifted me this man to teach me, show me, love me, respect me, believe in me, be disappointed in me.  And now, He called him home.

This life on this Earth is SO short. And, of course, God led me to hear Ken's message (and he knows I'm listening because I'm going to Bruno Mars) where he showed me the section of the rope that is this life I'm living now... Because we live so much longer in the eternal life with Jesus.

So I'm sad. I'm going to cry about it, when I want to, as long as I want to, where I want to. I won't feel ashamed. I also won't feel ashamed when I'm not sad... When I actually am fine. When I'm enjoying (not yet... But soon) the life that my Father... And my father...Gave to me. Because it's short. That is all there is to it. 

One of the things that has been making me cry the most is strangers... And let me explain. My dad was there, he was present in my life, and he loves me the best way he knows how. He loved others the best way he knew how. And people I don't know keep coming up to me and saying my dad "was a great guy", "was awesome", "welcoming", "funny", "loyal". Yes he was, and I'm so overjoyed that that person also got to experience him.

Then. There are some strangers who did not know him. They know my brother. My sister. My mother. Me... And they say he must have been an amazing man to have someone like you in his life. Also true... We were molded by each other.  Recently I bought a shirt that is perfect for me... "I've got my daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes my mouth could use a filter, God shook his head the day he built me, oh but I bet he smiled."  And I bet he did. Because He said here's this man that you are made in the image of and you are going to serve on for him after his time is up. And God probably laughed... Because I like to think he has a sense of humor... As I grew up cursing all these things about my father that I resented. He's so stubborn, he knows it all, he's always right, he expects so much of other people... Does that sound familiar to anyone? :-)  And then I loved him... He's so generous, he's so giving, he loves so deeply and passionately, he's so useful, he's so brave and strong, he's so great. Hopefully that also sounds familiar... Because thats what God created me from and to be.

He also taught me how to deal with me essentially. How to be well rounded and know what it's like to have a relationship with me.  He made my dad perfect for me. And he took him to say live on child, and be good.  Not only do I have my grandma watching now but I also have him looking down. With big expectations...

Every Time I Breathe I Get A Little Bit Closer...

One of my most favorite sayings is this:

 

I would always find myself getting angry and hurt by the actions of other people. And I would react, strongly.  I would decide what things I was going to do or not going to do because of how they treated me in that instance.  There are so many instances I can think of off the top of my head. People I can think of who I am angry with, who I haven't forgiven for how they have hurt me or made me feel.  I can think about things I don't do to try to return the feeling and punish them for hurting me.  They're things that mostly end up hurting me more and don't effect the intended person at all.  All week I have been struggling with this.  I was seeking counseling from my peers about it, I was praying to God, asking him to show me the way, show me the answer, how I should be behaving, how I should start healing. I asked him to help my relationships, help the people I love to see how they have hurt me and make them correct their actions and seek my forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

Isn't that something.  Forgiveness. Forgiveness was never about my interaction with them.  It was about my interaction with myself.  It was about handing it over to God and asking him to help me heal my heart where I was hurt and for him to justify the wrong.  God will handle the punishments and the judgements.  I am not in charge of that.  I have no business considering that or trying to justify that.  Who am I to decide which punishment fits which crime?  What if the person committing the crime is praying for forgiveness while I am planning a punishment... then I'm the one not trusting my God.

That was one of the verses from church today. And it was a HUGE wake up call for me.  WHAT am I thinking?  Do I not sin? Do I not ask my Father daily for forgiveness? And does he forgive me? Yes. Every time.  Is he hurt when I sin against him? Yes. I literally never tied those two things together...  

Forgiveness is about healing your heart.  I have been feeling weighed down by my anger and my sadness.  It was so heavy and my heart felt heavy. I felt like things were just going wrong.  Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it doesn't mean that I move on like nothing happened... but it does mean I move on. Healing means that I'm no longer letting the damage control my life.

I very rarely have a hard time forgiving myself... unless I do something very embarrassing or hurtful.  I can usually take the steps to remedy the situation with myself or with the affected person.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes I can only ask for forgiveness from God and have to choose to move past it without a resolution.  Why is it that I hold my loved ones to such a higher regard?  I try hard to not put them in the situation of needing to forgive me but I KNOW I am not perfect. Not close.  And I do put them in those situations and I hope for forgiveness.  I love them so much, and part of loving someone is forgiving them for their faults. Just as I expect and hope that they forgive me for my faults.  Because we are not perfect.

Talking about "faith" with a friend, she mentioned it's "the game".  And being funny I said "yeah sometimes I forget the rules".  And you know, that's what it is.  I'm learning so much on this journey and I'm trying to remember all of the things I'm learning every day about God and his love and how he wants me to live this life and the pathway to Heaven.  It doesn't mean it's easy. And I'm still not perfect. I really want to remember this about forgiveness.  I kept asking God this week to show me how to forgive people and to heal my heart and he gave me just that today.

This is where the healing begins. :)

You See The Depths of My Heart and You Love Me The Same

So I've been intending to write for many many weeks now and have been saddened by the busyness that has kept me from it.  Not that the things I was doing weren't making me happy, but I love writing and it keeps my mind so healthy.

Today, and this week, has been a bit of an emotional one.  I had what I would consider a little bit of a "rough" week.  I came across a couple difficult decisions and a few difficult situations where I felt very challenged to really evaluate what I am doing and who is involved in what I am doing.  Hopefully many of you are aware of this spiritual journey I have been on... which has been a tremendous and beautiful journey.  I am so thankful to God for bringing me to the exact right people to bring me along this journey and for bringing my mom with me.

This is exactly why reflection is such an important part of spiritual growth. I really like to sit down and take the time to evaluate what God is doing with my life. My mom has always been my number one support system and it was difficult to start this journey on my own.  So I am ultimately ecstatic that when I invited her to this church I call home that she welcomed the opportunity with open arms. At first to be supportive of me, because she's that great, but now because she is also welcoming this journey in her life.  I can't imagine having to keep those two things separate.

I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have the people in my life that I have.  I have made a lot of amazing, inspirational, and strong friends at church.  I can't wait to see where this leads!

One Word

It's the New Year... Resolution time (...continued)


I don't know if it's the time of year or it's just another coincidence.  I think sometimes the year feels very heavy.  I don't realize it but I get weighed down a lot by the past or what has happened... usually just within the year unless it was a particularly major event. But, the year has changed now. It's new, it's fresh.

However.  I also spent the last 48 hours of my life with almost every single person I love... and that loves me deeply.

First and foremost.  C and P graced us with their presence.

Palmer Ellen Harring made her debut at 2:36 PM on December 31st, 2013. At a whopping 5 lbs and 12 ounces this tiny peanut (as my first niece) as stolen my heart.  Followed shortly thereafter at 2:38 PM by her brother Connor Davidson weighing in at 7 lbs and 11 ounces. He's a big sweet boy and I didn't know it was possibly to spread so much love among three little boys now rounding off the group of nephews.  They are pure love and innocence, I can't stop gushing as a proud Auntie and can't wait to hold them again.

Additionally, "we went out last night".  I loved all of the time I got to spend with my very best friends (missing those few) ringing in the new year.  I couldn't have imagined a more fun night with all of my friends saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello 2014.

"Talk about young. Talk about fun.  Craziest thing we've ever done. Talk about kids being caught up in this rush."

Spending time with people who deeply care about me, and love me, and who are interested in me always sparks this feeling and these emotions in me.  I need to remember to do this more often.  It's so refreshing and it gets you out of being bogged down by your day to day. I have the most loving friends and family. I adore them.  If you can do anything for someone, love them.  Love them to the core, deeply, unconditionally. Love them for who they are. Who they want to be. For their dreams, their hopes, their fears. Just love them. "L'amore domina senza regole" ("Love rules without rules") is permanently on my hip because I will always believe that love will prevail.  Love rules. And it's the only thing that rules without definite rules... without regulations and restrictions.  Love is free. And it's open. And it has choices. And you can give to whoever you want. As much as you want for as long as you want. 

Sometimes I try to outgrow this life.  Sometimes that's okay.  Sometimes I forgot that I'm twenty something. And that's what you do when you're twenty something.  That's the age.  It's growing.  Sometimes I look at how far I've come and forget how far I have to go... in love, life, maturity, spiritual growth.  It's going to be a journey... and I CAN wait to get there.  I can take it slow. I can enjoy the ride and love it deeply. This is the only journey I'm going to get.

That was the topic of discussion at church on Sunday and I passively listened and "once-over"ed and wanted to be engaged in the topic but didn't feel related to it.  I thought, I'm not NOT enjoying my life, my journey. I'm constantly assessing it and looking it over and trying to take a new perspective.  But, maybe I'm not.  Maybe I'm taking new perspective that are similar perspectives.  So now I'm understanding more.

This year I'm giving myself permission.  Permission to make mistakes. To do whatever I want.  To experience. To grow. To develop. To think. To cry. To love. To care too much.  To care too little. To travel. To make mistakes... if you know me at all. You know I'm kind of a perfectionist. I hate doing something if I don't know that I will do it 100% right. I HATE making mistakes. I always feel embarrassed and ashamed. So that's my goal, not be afraid of making mistakes.

However... my one word THIS year (because I hope this works so well that I do it foreverrr) is

My overall goal this year is to SHED the things that are unnecessary in my life.

1. Weight
2. Baggage
3. Drama
4. "Stuff" Just things...
5. Negativity

I was thinking about what word I wanted to have this year and was really just thinking about the things that are making me unhappy or less happy.  I want to live a fulfilled life and thinking of "shedding" all this extra stuff I didn't need brought me a lot of hope and happiness. The word more or less chose me.

So. I hope you enjoyed this post, if not, oh well :) Thanks for trying it out anyways!

I do encourage you to think of one word you can commit to this year.  365 days of living through one word. And submerge yourself in that word.  Stay tuned for my submission of Shed :) It's about to get real.

Your Weight Problem (Mine Too.)

It is, of course, the brink of the new year.  Which means that gym memberships are basically free! Because if you sign a 14 year contract at $1.99 a month, which you need because it's important to stay focused, then you will be skinny.  Forget the fact that by February 16th the gym will be back to its regular go-ers and you are locked in paying $2 a month for the next 14 years because you "will go back" just not today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day because you have to feed your cat and then you have a prescheduled nap. And you also should really stare at the mess in your house for at least 4 hours before you decide to take another nap. You just can't make time that day. But maybe the day after that. Definitely the day after that.

Okay, but seriously. I've recently passed the 2 year mark on my journey to a healthier (hotter) me.  I was down to 50 lbs lost... which was a GREAT place to be after 1.5 years of working towards this... and approxiamately 6 months of dilligent and focused weight loss.  Then I got lazy. Or I fell in love. Which made me lazy. Either way. I got comfortable... in my old ways and habits again.  I tasted a french fry after a 9 month french fry rehab and fell back in love with something new.  So yet AGAIN. I am focused.  I am not down 50 lbs anymore. And I'm not happy about it. I didn't "gain it all back" like people always tell you you will when you try to better your health and life.

So here I am. It seems like I'm criticizing you (and me) for starting this plea yet again on January 1st.  First of all, I started it yesterday... which was the 27th of December (So ha!) Second of all, it just HAPPENS to be that that's when I hit my very upset place and refuse to get any fatter.  I am terribly upset with the way my clothes fit and look and even worse what I see when I'm not wearing the clothes (that shrunk... because it's the clothes fault. And my laundry detergent. And my washing machine. And probably my closet's fault for being too humid and causing the clothes to shrink)  And again, back to reality.  It's my fault... for thinking it's fine to eat french fries... in large capacity whenever I want.  Third of all, I am "dieting" as they call it.  I've read so many books, magazines, etc. etc. on how to lose weight, how to diet, super foods, belly busting foods, blah blah blah if you get my point.  I'm reading... ANOTHER book ;-)  I like this book.  It's Dolvett Quince's (from the Biggest Loser) The 3-1-2-1 Diet. Basically the concept is 3 days of "clean eating" followed by 1 "cheat day" then 2 days of "clean eating" and 1 "cheat day" and repeat.  Before you get too excited... the cheat day has cheating and portion restrictions.  I'm not going to go into detail about the plan... I just like it.  The fitness guru boyfriend says no, but I haven't listened to him in a year and a half so why start now ;-) I got my book from the library... so #noexcuses.

To wrap that all up.  STOP dieting.  You heard me. Now you're confused.  Adopt a healthy lifestyle. Eating consciously. Exercising. Sleeping enough. Drinking heavily, water that is. Reading.  Those are all the things that are part of my new diet.  I've got a tip for you.  1200 calories (or less) is never okay.  Caloric intake is the biggest discussion among people who want to lose weight. Okay... Pickles are like 5 calories for 4 pickles...  So all day you can eat 960 pickles and meet 1200 calories... Don't mind the fact that a) you will be starving from lack of substance and b) you will die the next day from sodium intake.  Similar to an all celery "diet".  Stop the madness.  Stop what I call "fad dieting" and starting changing your diet! See how the same word reflects just as evenly.  I did it... it works. I know it does.  But NEVER stop.  One french fry is NOT okay. It's just not.  For many of us, eating is a disease.  Like anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism, drug abuse... all diseases. A lack of impulse control.  As my boyfriend repeatedly states my problem is that I "can't control my emotions and when something goes a little wrong I use it as an excuse to eat like crap and whine about it." Yeah, he's full of fun advice.  BUT... never will I admit to him that he of course is right and he knows this because he was my personal trainer and knows my terrible emotional conflicts inside and out. Partly because he is half of them.

Which leads me to my next soap box.  You can look however you want... trust me, I don't care.  You should not buckle to the pressure of society, you should not be a size 00, you SHOULD be healthy. It's better for your body, it's better for your mind, it's better for your life span.  Overeating is a disease. It's controlled by your emotions.  I LOVE the Biggest Loser. And I LOVE watching the trainers break down the emotional walls of all these people because I've totally been there.  You realize that you have been self deprecating and have been in control the whole time and you chose to be out of control.  The way you eat is directly related to your emotions, your stress level, etc. You HAVE to make smart choices all the time.  Being healthy is kind of like having another job.  Like almost everything in your life, it will require hardwork. Like your relationships, your marriage, raising your kids, your actual job, etc.  A healthy lifestyle requires hard work and commitment.  I adopted a slogan a while back "the gym is my boyfriend" which kind of correlates.  My healthy lifestyle is my boyfriend... because if I cheat on it or if I don't commit to it, if I stray away from it... in a REAL boyfriend girlfriend relationship... my ass would be to the curb, unless we had some weird open relationship. But assuming I don't.



Take yourself seriously this year.  Make small goals, see small victories, and see those small victories eventually turn into big victories.

Don't EVER let anyone else make you feel defeated or worthless or like you can't do it... like you're on another one of "those diets"... it is HARD. And you will slip up. You will. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT beat yourself up over ONE french fry (or a whole Large fry...) or a piece (bag) of chocolate or whatever your weakness is.  Just try harder next time to not overindulge. And maybe work out an extra 10 minutes.  But do NOT give up. Start over at the NEXT meal, immediately.

Would you rather look back at the time and think "I could have lost 25 lbs by now and gained so much muscle" or "I'm really glad I watched that TV show instead of going to the gym."


So. That's my advice. I'll keep you posted on how this is going for me. Keep me posted on what you do or decide.  I believe in you.  And if you stop believing in you... come to me.  I'll pick you back up.  Don't let someone who doesn't know what you're capable of ever doubt you.

The New Leaf

As you may notice, I have moved on to a new a blog. This changeover is more or less a basis of a personal life transition.  I'm shifting my focus from the "Long Road To Love" onto my confessional.  I decided I didn't want my blog to be a long list of the things that I felt were going wrong. Although I definitely believe that writing is an excellent venue to release your feelings, emotions, frustrations, etc.  I read a piece lately that was actually about marriage but I found to be applicable to my relationship with myself as well.

"Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife." - Gerald Rogers  

Original Article - A Good Read!

So. To be the best husband I can be to myself... I'm going to focus on the positive of myself, of my life, of this journey, of others (Which I tend to do anyway... I can't help but believe that people are good - take caution: not everyone deserves this trust)

This post is probably going to be longer than normal; just to kick start it off.  What you can expect to read on this blog:

1. Funny things that happen in my day-to-day preschool experiences

2. My motivation (or occasional lack there of) to work out

3. My continuously developing relationship with Christ

4. Ranting and raving of a twenty-something :)

I suspect this will be a little bit silly, a little bit serious, hopefully a lot of bit motivational. 

I've been ultra observant of churches lately while driving around since I am in search of a new home church.  I saw a sign the other day that said "Forgive your enemies, [it confuses them]."  The wording they chose for the second part was not my personal favorite but that was the general summary of it.  I thought that really is an interesting concept.  We spend so much of our time and our energy on holding grudges, living in the past, using our good life to hold it against people for not being perfect or kind or accepting.  You know what, it's not our problem.  It's also not our choice how they act. Our choice is to forgive, and love them or let them go. But it causes us too much pain to hold onto that anger or hurt and it's costing us too much time and energy from our precious and short life.

Today, I visited a new church (in my continuous series to find a new home church) in Grandville. I loved the message. Not sure if or when I'll revisit the church. Just didn't have the feeling I'm really looking for.  However, I'm happy to expand on the message that I learned today. The Pastor talked about planting a garden. Your life is your garden, how are you keeping a well-watered garden?  Excellent question I must say!  I decided to make a list of the things in my garden: self-love, organization, cleanliness, health, education, positivity, productivity, and ambition.  Those are the things that I am growing in my garden.  Those are going to be my key focuses. How do you grow your garden?  With the rain of God's love... when you feel lost or alone or you feel like one of your flowers is starting to wilt or die... you look to God, you turn to God and he says "I'm right here".  One of the biggest things that I need to overcome personally is getting intimidated by the shadows.  Sometimes in the dark, or loneliness, or fear the devil is playing in the shadows and he's encouraging you to give into those demons.  I need to stop forgetting to trust God. I need to stay on path with the things that are in my garden and the things I find positive in life.

 

I say for 2013 but really I love how well it seems to be going and I'm going to try to continue it as long as I can think of things to do.  So for this year I have started picking one task or personal habit to focus on for every day that month (or week depending on the nature of it.)  In May, it was working out... daily.  Which went better than expected but definitely not every day.  In June, I did getting up and getting myself ready for the day, which seems surface value but once I can settle on my appearance and know that I myself look collected, it makes it much easier for the things in my day to be collected. I feel more calm and organized... so that was a great thing and I'm trying to keep it up but these early mornings are killing that.  It's been said that it takes 30 days to make or break a habit.  That's why I'm trying to focus on one month of doing one thing and hoping it becomes habitual from there... It's part of my progress to an Organized, Complete Life. SO after today's message and my personal feelings, my commitment this month is going to be to volunteer.  One of my favorite things is to help those who are less fortunate than myself. Repeatedly, things have been showing up in my life indicating that I need to focus on helping feed the homeless or less fortunate. So this month that is my personal challenge, and I'm going to do weekly - since daily would be a bit of overkill per my schedule. I'm looking for opportunities - if you know of them... tell me!

In addition to this, I want to stress how important it is to not overcommit! I have a HUGE schedule this semester.  Working starting at 6 AM for full time (fortunately I love my job) and then having school 3 nights a week with a 10 credit class load. Additionally, trying to stay on top of food and working out and sleeping. And with my recent addition of church on Sundays. I'm getting crazy busy.  But I don't feel overcommitted yet.  Now that I've organized... I just need to stay on top of things and this should flow... nicely :)

I went to a spirit guide yesterday. She said a lot of interesting things but one extremely accurate thing she said was that I LOVE helping others... which I do.  I love taking care of the people I love, or the less fortunate, anyone really... why else would I love working at a day care. Teaching and caring :) My two favorite things.  BUT! It is so so so so so so so so important to take care of yourself.

Lastly, the Pastor posed today that we are always asking people "How are you?" What is the answer?   Are we waiting for the answer, are we sincerely looking for the answer? Probably not. However, even if someone else isn't worried about the answer... you should be! How are YOU? Ask yourself that. And then evaluate - what is my answer? Why is that the answer? If you don't like the answer, how are you going to change it?  You are single-handedly responsible for your happiness... the only exception I can see is sadness. I've felt sad and it has been outside of my control. Sad about lost, sad about disappointment. But your emotions are your choice and your reaction.  If you are sad about disappointment... maybe you need to adjust your expectations or who you are expecting things of. In the least selfish way, you need to do what is best for you. You need to make the choices that you want to do. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness except your own.  If you choices are effecting other people, you need to evaluate if that is because it is the wrong choice for you or if it is because it is the best choice for you but the wrong choice for them.  Another great thing I pulled from the blog ^ I posted above about marriage is:

"It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not"

It's not your job not to change! It is other people's job to love you when you do change... as it is your job to love other people when they change. And if you don't love the change, then you may leave... but it is your decision if the changes are THAT big of a deal that they are unloveable. Most situations they are probably not... they are just not what you want of that person, or what you are used to. Guess what, they don't have to be.  Sometimes what is comfortable is what is the poison in your life.

Finally, brothers and sisters, 

whatever is true, 

whatever is noble, 

whatever is right, 

whatever is pure, 

whatever is lovely, 

whatever is admirable

—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

(Personal fave ;-)